Taking the Emotion out
of Parenting
Parenting can easily be one of the most challenging aspects of a
person's life. While parenting can be an incredibly rewarding experience,
there is no question that having to parent when a child is testing limits can be
one of the most stressful and upsetting things for a parent to handle.
This can be especially true for parents of children with special needs since at
times their children are more prone to high levels of emotional outbursts and
challenging behaviors. Luckily there are many strategies that can assist
parents in staying calm no matter what situation arises with their child.
There are many strategies that can assist parents in staying
calm despite their child's emotional or behavioral level. These strategies
can include:
1. Pay close attention to your own emotion level by
monitoring your mood and behaviors. For example: If you can still talk
calmly and feel positively about your child then you are probably still able to
problem solve or provide appropriate discipline for your child. If
instead you are struggling to not raise your voice, threaten your child,
provide unrealistic consequences, or are having trouble thinking clearly it is
best to step away from your child to calm down.
2. It is critical to notice what messages you are
interpreting from your child to make sure that you are hearing them
correctly. Often when we are angry or upset we infer what others are
thinking or feeling incorrectly. This can often arise in parenting in
cases when parents misinterpret their child saying "no" to them to
instead mean, "You are a bad parent. I don't care what you
say. I don't love you." Parents often are able to manage their
emotions better when they can frame their child saying "no" as
"Right now my child is telling me that he or she needs a lot more guidance
to make a correct choice." It also can be really important to alter
your child's message to what they really mean. For example: It is crucial
to re-frame when a child says something hurtful like, "I hate you."
or "You are the meanest mom ever." to instead be, "I am so mad
right now that I can't stand it."
3. Walk away from the situation and calm down prior to
trying to solve a situation with your child. It is better to say, "I
love you and I will work to solve this problem with you, but first I need to
calm down" than to resort to a less effective and overly punitive
approach. It is also often helpful to tell your child, "You have
earned a consequence for your behavior, but I am too mad to give it right
now," as a way to acknowledge your child's behavior, but to also allow
yourself room to avoid the pitfall of providing harsh consequences when
angry.
4. Talk deep breaths, use imagery to think of a relaxing
place, think positive thoughts, exercise, talk to a friend or spouse, read, or
engage in other activities that will assist you in calming down and being ready
to engage in healthy problem solving. It is recommended that people
engage in a minimum of 20 minutes per day of self-care as a way to manage
stress and anxiety.
By removing some of the emotion related to parenting, parents
often feel more in control and positive about their interactions with their
child. Give your child the benefit of the doubt in your communications
with them and it is possible to feel happier and more effective as a
parent.