|
Changing Negative Behaviors through Strong Parenting
There is no question that parenting can be like the wild
west at times. This is especially true when a child's negative
behaviors have taken over a whole family system. The image that this
draws is one of an old western town in which there is chaos and instability
due to the wild rule breaking ways of a small group. There is fear
among the townspeople that one wrong move can bring havoc and disrupt
the tentative peace. Often in families where this has occurred the
natural tendency is for parents to submit to their childrenŐs wishes
to try to keep unstable situations from escalating. Ultimately,
though, what saves the western town and restores peace and order is the
same thing that can rescue families and reestablish serenity in the home.
Just as in westerns where the sheriff must ride into town and take
control through a true show of legitimate authority, parents must
also assert themselves and restore order.
The first step to repair the true family order and stop
negative behaviors is for parents to realize that they are the sheriffs and
that their rightful place is in an authority position. Parents
should be in charge. Then the best way to move forward is to set
clear expectations for behavior with a large selection of rewards for
positive behaviors and appropriate consequences for negative choices.
Parent sheriffs must be ready to put down rebellions when they arise.
This is analogous with the famed western gun battle. Children
engaging in negative behaviors do not want order to be restored so they
will typically raise the stakes when a new limit is set to try and bully
parents into giving into their demands. Parents, who know that their
limits are right and that they (not their child) are the appropriate ones
to be setting the rules and expectations, do best.
There are many keys to a successful transition in the
family system. The following list can be used as a guideline:
- Be prepared for the
showdown emotionally, knowing that most likely you will see an initial
increase in negative behaviors when you set clear expectations for
your child.
- Have a large amount of
possible rewards to provide for your child for making good
choices. Rewards are always needed for any program to be
successful. These should be rewards and incentives, not bribes
(meaning that the child must first engage in a positive behavior prior
to receiving a reward and not the other way around). Rewards do
not have to be of monetary value. Sometimes spending alone time
with your child doing his or her favorite activity can be a great
reward. Another possible reward could be letting your
child choose what meal he or she wants for dinner.
- Have appropriate limits and
clear consequences for when a child continues to act out. It is
important a create a large list of appropriate consequences ahead
of time so that a parent doesn't fall into the trap of selecting too
harsh of a consequences resulting from aggravated emotions in the
moment.
- Seek support from others
who are able to assist you when the showdown is
occurring.
- Take time for your own
self-care. This can include leaving the situation for a
brief period to calm down and manage your own emotions.
Taking deep breaths, exercising, utilizing imagery, taking time out
for fun activities, and accessing a support network can all be
important components of self-care.
- Parents need to know that
the showdown is time-limited.
Ultimately, order will be restored. Only this type of
order can bring about true happiness and safety for a family.
|